How Can We Heal Our Hurts? Yom Kippur 5777
Good morning, and good yontiff. This Day of Judgment uses many
devices for us to confront our humanity, and by extension, our
mortality. The fasting of food and drink, the abstinence from intimacy,
the white kittel that is otherwise worn as a burial shroud, the Yizkor
service, the stark and even frightening language of Unetaneh Tokef are
just several of the many examples. It seems to me that these devices all
combine to express an urgent truth: given our mortality, we have to
make each and every day count. While there is no going backwards and
reclaiming lost yesterdays, each of our ultimately limited number of
tomorrows presents new opportunities for going forward. The stark
reminder of our mortality is Judaism’s urgent insistence that we seize
the choice of life, baharta b’hayim.
I found out the deep truth of this wisdom in recent months. Ten years
ago my left knee collapsed under me. I found out that osteoarthritis
had replaced my cartilage in both knees. I was told my next stop was
TNR and to delay it long as possible. It sounded reasonable to me, and
like a fool I followed that advice. Never did it occur to me to get a
second opinion or learn about possible intermediary treatment options.
Over the next decade the increasing issues with my knees would impact
my life, making it harder to be physically active. The chronic pain added
its own effects which compounded the medical condition. Finally, I had
an incident that prompted a call to an orthopedist. Two days later I was
seen. Within 20 minutes of receiving a shot of cortisone I was getting
relief from the pain, with a follow-on plan far short of surgery already in
place if it is needed, and a follow-on fitting scheduled for an offloader
brace for the OA. The increasing relief over the following days had me
astonished at how good normal is supposed to feel. In the few weeks
since, I feel ten years younger with increased activity, mobility, stride,
gait, etc. I’ve decided to move beyond regretting the time I lost waiting
to seek treatment, and focusing on the critical takeaway: we have a
responsibility to pursue our own healing. Sometimes we might fear the
discomfort of a procedure, or feel we can’t afford time away from work
for recovery and rehab. We humans are terribly creative in coming up
with rationalizations for avoidance; we will always find a reason or a
why when we want to avoid or ignore something. Living with
unnecessary pain, illness, or disease is not an embrace of life; it does
not allow us to access joy and be in the moment, it does not allow us to
participate most fully in the important events and occasions in the lives
of the people who matter most to us, and it isolates us from those who
can be supportive and helpful. Our prayerbook calls G!D “Healer of All
Flesh” and I cannot imagine that it is Divine desire that we be unhealed
when healing is available.
Sometimes we are faced with the need to embrace life knowing that
there is no cure available to us; the illness or disease we bear will be
with us until the very end of our days. In fact, it might well be the cause
for the end of our days. Even then, perhaps especially then, we make
every day count. Judaism’s deep Torah wisdom is that we give
ourselves permission, empower ourselves with the capacity to heal old
hurts and wounds, and move forward. I share with you first a shocking
obituary as an example of this point when we fail to do so.
Dolores Aguilar
1929 - Aug. 7, 2008
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008.
She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul
Jr., and daughter, Ruby.
She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice,
Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe,
Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy,
Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-
grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn,
Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah,
Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize
if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely
shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her
family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few
tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.
Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will
remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling
times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her
and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the
end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good
and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is
finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this
is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.
There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she
spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to
see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their
goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.
Virginia Brown of Seattle wrote this obituary of her mother.
When journalist John Bogert of LA’s dailybreeze.com contacted the 54-year-
old mother of two, this is what she had to say: "I wanted to do the
right thing, the honest thing...When she died a co-worker gave me a
copy of an obituary she wrote for her father as a kind of writing guide.
What struck me was how my mother was none of the things I was
reading. She was never there for us, she was never good and she left no
legacy. So how could I say any of the usual things about her?"
While we might question if publishing this obituary was the right thing
or not, I sense that all of us can agree that this is a family that has
suffered real pain and deserves the blessing of peace in their lives. It
also seems to me that by addressing it head-on, they have done the
most critical act necessary for their healing to occur. It could have been
easy and possibly even justified for Virginia and family to have stayed
angry with their mother. Here’s where Jimmy Buffett offers some
Torah. You’ll recall the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Buffett threw a
benefit relief concert in Gulf Shores, AL. He reworked the lyrics to his
song When The Coast Is Clear to express the dynamic he was witnessing
in response to the catastrophe. “Anger makes us doubtful while fear
can cloud the view”. What an insight! Anger and fear are
understandable, but even so, they absolutely impede our capacity to
work at our best. Anger and fear are also dynamics that keep one an
ongoing victim to their personal hurts. It seems pretty clear to me that
Virginia chose a path of healing to transcend past hurts, and in doing so
chose a path of survivor-hood. We can only begin to imagine the details
underneath her words of farewell; clearly there was incredible
suffering. Her choice to transcend those hurts and by extension choose
life, is an awesome witness to the possibility within us all to do the
same. When we embrace Judaism’s deep Torah wisdom and give
ourselves similar permission, we empower ourselves with the capacity
to heal old hurts and wounds, and move forward with the knowledge
that healing is indeed possible.
My colleague Simkha Weintraub is one of the pioneers of the Jewish
healing movement. He suggests an approach for our spiritual lives
when in pain or illness that he calls “Reaching In, Reaching Out,
Reaching Up.” That’s brilliant, because it is also based on an
interpretation of the refrain from that stark UneTaneh Tokef prayer on
how to face the tribulations that are certain to attend us at some point
or another in our lives.
Reaching In is in essence taking an inventory of our signature strengths
and personality types and applying the understandings that emerge to
our best benefit. Simkha’s approach suggests for example, that
introverts might honor their need for independence while extroverts
can use their gregariousness to draw in others for their help and
support. He notes that each of us needs to bring our skills, gaps,
orientations, strengths, and whatever flaws we posses into these
moments.
I mentioned isolation earlier, and that is also an important
understanding behind Simkha’s model of reaching out. Here is where
the connection to community can make a huge difference. This last
year you have shared with many of me the pains you face, and often
the congregation was able to help lighten that burden with meaningful
support, if often quite normal and regular, way. Time and time again I
have heard you say, “Rabbi if it weren’t for the congregation and my
friends I don’t know what I would have done.” The role that a
congregation has in fostering healing in the lives of its community
members is not only critical, it is an exclusive capacity that doesn’t exist
quite the same way in any other venue, organization, or non-familial
group. The ability to make a difference is a key part of what
congregations can do like no other; those who can do it well have are
more likely to be a thriving congregation. Part of our Spring Speaker
series is dedicated to this imperative. Many of you will remember my
mentor Rabbi Steve Glazer from the installation. He will return sharing
insights about Caring For Caregivers, based on his work as a founding
member of Clergy Against Alzheimers. Healing is not always medical, as
noted earlier. That does not preclude it from being a life-saving force.
Our commitment to healing the wound of Domestic Violence goes
beyond the posters in the restrooms; Stacy Long from JCADA is also one
of our speakers. It is my deep prayer that we have a strong turnout for
both of these important presentations and conversations.
Finally, Simkha reminds us that we have to reach up. However we find
transcendence, with our without G!D, we need to redouble our
commitments to it. Prayer, meditation, time in nature, time exploring
art and/or music, time volunteering time in contemplation, taking a
class or serious reading, yoga, dance, journaling or even writing ethical
wills to our loved ones are all ways that we can connect with something
beyond ourselves. They help attune us to the possibilities of the
moment, and the moments waiting beyond the moment. They give us
the means to make each and every day, each and every hour, count.
May this New Year see all of us sealed in the Book of Life and bring
each of us and our loved ones ever closer to places of wholeness and
healing. I wish us all an easy and meaningful fast.
